And the excess of this desire to continuously improve, well that can be guilt. We have a feeling of guilt when we look back, when we look at what we were yesterday or what we produced in the past. I will soon talk about this subject, guilt, because I realize at the moment in my reflections, in my introspection, that it is a concern on which I really have to work.
So I'm not going to go into too much detail, but know that I tend to be way too hard on myself, to feel guilty when looking at my past, because inevitably when we say to ourselves "I'm developing, I'm progressing, I'm moving forward", there can be a little bit of the idea "I'm not good enough today". If I'm progressing, if I'm always trying to improve, we can have this idea "I'm not good enough today". And when we look back, it's even worse, because we say to ourselves: "But I was really bad a year ago", when we're constantly progressing. So of course, I deliberately summarize and amplify and exaggerate a little, but it's a real risk. All of that can create a lot of negative emotions.
And the title of this episode is "I despised myself." The verb "to despise" means: to consider unworthy of interest. If I despise someone, I'm going to say, this person has no interest. So it's seeing someone oman whatsapp number data or something in a very negative way. Basically, " it means I saw myself as someone who was bad in the past.
And it manifests itself a little, this thing of saying "I despised myself, I saw myself as a person with little interest", it manifests itself a little in my personal development and quite a bit, a little more, in the context of Authentic French. So I'll give you a few examples.
From a personal development point of view, I sometimes look back on my past and say to myself: "Oh my God, how stupid you were for years to neglect your sleep, when sleep is one of the most important things, it is one of the keys to our bodies. And you, what did you do? Under the pretext of wanting to do sports every day, meditate every day, develop Authentic French, have your family, read, do yoga, etc. you neglected your sleep. But how stupid you were."
Again, I'm exaggerating on purpose, but there really is this idea, there really is this idea of guilt of I look back and say to myself: "With what I know today, I see that I did things that were really really not smart", so neglecting my sleep, I had phases of procrastination during which I should have done more, I could have done more. I was even under a moral obligation to do even more and to procrastinate less, to waste less time, to be more efficient. So you see, these are little things that can happen to me from time to time.
But as I was telling you, it's not the major thing. The major thing is really at the level of Authentic French where I tend to feel guilty, seeing the management that I was able to have with certain partners during which... I think I have already spoken about it and I don't necessarily want to talk about a very specific example here, but I had a partner in the case of the Authentic French project in Morocco who literally stole from me and who literally abused my trust and I felt very guilty about it, I said to myself: "Johan, you were too weak".